How to Stop ADHD Revenge Bedtime Procrastination for Good
You already know you're supposed to go to bed earlier, and probably tried. Yet here you are, an hour past when you meant to stop scrolling, watching one more episode, doing anything except actually going to sleep.
This isn't a willpower problem. It isn't even really a sleep problem. It's your nervous system finally getting a moment to exhale, and refusing to give it up.
Jenna gets into all of it here. Why revenge bedtime procrastination and ADHD are so deeply connected, what's happening at the nervous system level, and where the real fix actually lives.
When your ADHD nervous system spends the day in fight or flight, everything feels like a demand. Work, chores, other people's needs, even the things you're putting on yourself. By the time the house is quiet, and nothing is expected of you, that late-night freedom isn't really about the show you're watching. It's the first time all day you've been able to breathe. Of course, you don't want to let go of it. The problem is that hoarding those hours keeps you exhausted, which keeps you dysregulated, which makes the next day harder, and the cycle keeps going.
Here's what we cover:
What revenge bedtime procrastination is and why it hits so much harder when you have ADHD
Why your dysregulated nervous system turns everything, including going to bed, into just another demand
How resentment builds through the day and shows up as rebellion at night
The connection between people pleasing, the fawn response, and why you feel so trapped by the time evening rolls around
A reframe around choice and autonomy that takes the fight out of your nighttime routine
Why fixing your night routine won't fix the problem if you haven't looked at what's happening during the day
Practical changes to your evening that reduce friction and make getting to bed genuinely easier
If you've ever felt like you're hoarding the night because it's the only time that's yours, this episode will make a lot of sense of that feeling and give you somewhere real to start.
"Revenge bedtime procrastination isn't a willpower problem. It's your nervous system finally exhaling and not wanting to let go of the first moment that felt like yours."
If you're working on ADHD nervous system dysregulation, grab Jenna's free guide, The ADHD Regulation Guide.
And if you're a therapist, counselor, or coach interested in bringing this work to your clients, get on the waitlist for Jenna's ADHD Regulation Method certification, launching in September.
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More about ADHD with Jenna Free
ADHD with Jenna Free is a podcast for adults with ADHD who are done surviving their symptoms and ready to start thriving with ADHD without the endless tips, hacks, and workarounds that have never really fixed anything.
Hosted by Jenna Free, a Canadian Certified Counselor (CCC) and ADHD therapist, this show exists to give you a completely different way of understanding ADHD in adults and the signs of ADHD in women. Because the reason you're stuck, overwhelmed, and exhausted isn't a lack of willpower, it's that your brain is running in fight or flight. And once you understand that, everything changes.
This podcast covers the full experience of living with adult ADHD: the real science behind procrastination in ADHD and ADHD task paralysis, ADHD executive functioning strategies that work, why ADHD and perimenopause collide in ways no one talks about, and the honest, solution-focused conversations that most ADHD podcasts aren't having. Jenna also shares her own story, what it looks like to go from chronically dysregulated to genuinely thriving, so you can see that this is possible for you.
This show gives women with ADHD, and anyone who has ever wondered whether ADHD can be diagnosed in adulthood, a path forward that isn't about coping harder, but healing.
I’ll answer questions like:
Do I have ADHD?
What is ADHD task paralysis, and how do I get unstuck?
Why is my ADHD getting worse in my 40s?
What does ADHD and perimenopause do to your brain?
How do I manage ADHD emotional dysregulation without medication alone?
Why do I procrastinate so much with ADHD?
Why don't ADHD tips and tricks ever work long-term?
What does it look like to thrive with ADHD
Can you heal ADHD symptoms without just white-knuckling through life?
What does nervous system regulation have to do with ADHD?
How do I stop feeling overwhelmed with ADHD?
If you're an adult with ADHD who's tired of the commiseration and ready for a show that believes your life can look completely different, you're in the right place.
The unedited transcript for this episode of ADHD with Jenna
[00:00:00] Hello and welcome to the ADHD with Jenna Free podcast. [00:00:13] This week we are talking about revenge bedtime procrastination. [00:00:19] I am sure you have been there. [00:00:21] So we're really going to be diving into the why this happens, what we can do about it, and of course how we can see it differently in relation to regulation, which is how we frame everything here. [00:00:32] If you're new, welcome. [00:00:34] So I just looked up the definition, so we're all on the same page. [00:00:38] And Revenge bedtime procrastination is the act of deliberately delaying sleep to engage in leisure activities because your daytime schedule lacks personal free time.
Understanding Why Revenge Bedtime Procrastination Happens
[00:00:49] People stay up late as an act of rebellion against a demanding day, reclaiming a sense of freedom at the expense of their health. [00:00:58] So we can probably all agree that it's not simply a conscious choice of I want to stay up late so I can watch my show. [00:01:07] Right. [00:01:08] It's not a peaceful decision. [00:01:10] Often it's usually in rebellion and rebuttal to something, so it's a little bit frustrated. [00:01:18] We can feel bad about doing it while doing it. [00:01:22] And it's not so streamlined as just, oh, I go to bed too late. [00:01:26] So on Google it says why this happens.
[00:01:28] It says a loss of control. [00:01:30] You feel your day is entirely dictated by work, chores or responsibilities, leaving late night scrolling or binge watching as your only me time. [00:01:39] And it also talks about decreased self control, which is the willpower and decision making faculties. [00:01:45] The willpower and decision making faculties are naturally depleted by the end of the day, making it harder to pull yourself away from screens. [00:01:53] And I'm sure we have felt that where you know, you're stuck on the couch, you can't get up. [00:01:57] You would love technically to go to sleep, but it just feels like too much of a barrier there. [00:02:03] And then mixed with that rebellion of I finally get to sit down and relax and this is my time and now I have to go be unconscious. [00:02:11] That doesn't sound very fun.
Check in With Yourself
[00:02:13] But before we dive in, I would love you to check in with yourself right now. [00:02:18] How do you feel? [00:02:19] Are your shoulders up around your ears? [00:02:21] Are you rushing? [00:02:23] Slow down, take a deep breath and we will dive in. [00:02:29] Okay, so we want to frame revenge bedtime procrastination when it comes to dysregulation. [00:02:36] So when you live in a dysregulated way, or when your system is in fight or flight, everything feels like a demand. [00:02:44] So even going to bed feels like just another demand made from you. [00:02:49] We can really get in this resistance state, which I'm sure you have felt that where even the demands we place on ourselves of, I would like to go to bed early or I want to eat healthier. [00:03:02] And then there's this other part of us that pushes against that because people are always demanding things from me. [00:03:08] Life is one big demand, and I am in rebellion.
The Link Between Dysregulation, Resentment, and Bedtime Procrastination
[00:03:11] That is what a dysregulated system does. [00:03:14] So when you spend the day just trying to get through things, trying to get things over with, we're in a rush, we're in fight or flight the moment everyone is asleep, or at least nothing is expected of you. [00:03:27] You don't expect anything of you. [00:03:29] Right at midnight, there's very few of us who are thinking, oh, I should really get up and, you know, go do the dishes. [00:03:36] At midnight is finally the time where you are letting yourself relax. [00:03:40] So of course you're going to want to stay in that feeling when it's the first time all day that you felt okay, you could finally sit down and it feels like you were running away from the bear and you're finally in your cave resting. [00:03:52] I really get that. [00:03:53] But a lot of times we look at that night and that issue, that revenge bedtime procrastination, go, how do I fix this? [00:04:02] There's this bedtime issue I have.
[00:04:04] I gotta fix the bedtime issue. [00:04:06] And that can look like, oh, I just gotta go to bed earlier and trying to change your night routine. [00:04:11] But the night isn't as much of the problem as the day is. [00:04:17] So a lot of times when we get to our evening, especially if we're going into this rebellious mode, we're feeling quite resentful of our lives, of our days, all these things I should have been doing, all these things I'm forced to do, all these things I have to do. [00:04:35] Now I finally get to relax. [00:04:37] So of course that resentment is going to add to this rebellion. [00:04:41] At night, we're resentful of the day. [00:04:44] And finally, I can have some time back.
How Resentment Fuels Revenge Bedtime Procrastination
[00:04:47] So here's the thing. [00:04:48] If we are feeling resentment, we are dysregulated because that means we have been doing things that we don't want to do. [00:04:58] And we're choosing to do it based off of probably fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. [00:05:04] And fawn is going to be a big one here. [00:05:06] So here's an example of how resentment might show up. [00:05:08] A neighbor asks for help, you say yes, but you don't really want to. [00:05:12] Then you're annoyed at them for asking, right? [00:05:15] And we're so frustrated and resentful that that neighbor always asked me to help them out with things. [00:05:20] But they just asked.
[00:05:22] You are the one that gave the answer. [00:05:25] So people pleasing. [00:05:26] And that fawn response is a dysregulation pattern where we say yes to manage that discomfort in the moment because the no feels so uncomfortable, but we're not saying it because we actually want to help. [00:05:38] That is just a real good example of how resentment shows up. [00:05:43] If you are feeling resentment at the end of the day, and that is a big part of why we're going into this rebellious feeling, we really want to address that because resentment means you're living in shoulds instead of conscious choices, which is a part of dysregulation. [00:05:58] So, for example, say your neighbor always asks you for help. [00:06:02] So you're doing jobs for your neighbor. [00:06:04] You say yes, of course, but you don't want to and you're annoyed at them for asking.
[00:06:08] Now you're really resentful of this neighbor. [00:06:10] They take so much time out of my evenings. [00:06:12] I want to be relaxing, but they always come over and ask for my help. [00:06:16] But they just asked. [00:06:17] We are the ones saying yes and going and helping. [00:06:20] So people pleasing or that fawn response is a dysregulation pattern. [00:06:25] We are more uncomfortable saying no than we are being honest in that immediate moment. [00:06:31] So then we kind of get ourselves in this pickle where or we're resentful.
[00:06:35] So just notice as especially in your days that lead to evenings where you're in this rebellious feeling go, okay, where is resentment coming from? [00:06:46] And then can I look at that and go, oh, I've been doing things that I don't want to do because. [00:06:53] And it really is especially doing things you don't want to do for other people is going to be that fawn response. [00:06:59] And so to work on that, we want to get more comfortable with the uncomfortable, which would be knowing, okay, I see that the neighbor asking me for help all the time is a bit of a self fulfilling prophecy as well, because every time I say yes, they go, oh, that's a neighbor that loves to help. [00:07:16] I'm going to keep asking them. [00:07:18] So the only way to change this and soften this resentment is be more honest and saying what I really want to say. [00:07:25] And that is uncomfortable on the front end, but gives you relief on the back end. [00:07:30] When we're more regulated, we're more able to confront the uncomfortable thing head on because we know it's going to be better later. [00:07:38] So if you have something in your life where I see I'm resentful even though I'm the one saying yes, this could be something at work, maybe a co worker keeps asking for your help, and it's making your day so busy, and now you're feeling more overwhelmed at work and you're resentful of them.
[00:07:54] Well, let's really look at how can we be more honest with our choices and with our answers. [00:08:02] That's going to be uncomfortable, but that's part of regulation work, is doing the uncomfortable thing. [00:08:07] So living in alignment with your real answers and being more honest is going to create a lot less resentment. [00:08:12] And when you are less resentful, you are going to be less in that rebellious, like, screw you attitude at night. [00:08:19] So that is one little marker that you can look at to see, ooh, can I work on things in the day to make the night feel more calm and feel happier at the end of the day? [00:08:30] Okay, so the next thing is that rebellious teenager in us that comes out when we're dysregulated and when we are kind of thinking, oh, I should really be going to bed. [00:08:43] So if we add resentment plus feeling trapped, it really results in this. [00:08:49] Like, I deserve this time. [00:08:50] I'm gonna take it.
Rebellion Vs. Conscious Choice
[00:08:52] Screw you, world. [00:08:54] This is my time. [00:08:55] I feel trapped all day. [00:08:57] So this is my time to be free. [00:09:00] And it's not even about the staying up late. [00:09:02] It's not about when you go to sleep. [00:09:03] It is the revenge bedtime procrastination. [00:09:08] Like, I am doing this out of resentment and out of a fu attitude.
[00:09:13] That does not feel good. [00:09:14] Right. [00:09:14] That is not a conscious choice. [00:09:16] That's not you going, wow, I love this show. [00:09:19] I'm going to stay up late to watch it because I get to do that if I want. [00:09:23] I'm going to be tired tomorrow. [00:09:24] Yes, but this is my choice. [00:09:26] That is so different than screw you, world.
[00:09:30] This is my time. [00:09:31] So that's really what we're trying to look at. [00:09:33] That rebellious push and that rebelliousness of what's going on there, not the lateness, because that really is just like a choice you make at the end of the day. [00:09:45] So when we get in this rebellious pushback thing, it is the dysregulated nervous system running the show. [00:09:51] It genuinely feels like you're trapped, and so it's going to push back. [00:09:56] I mean, just think of a teenager, right? [00:09:58] They feel, oh, I have these rigid rules, so I'm going to rebel and push against. [00:10:02] Well, if we are pushing against something as adults, we want to look at, okay, what is the thing I'm pushing against? [00:10:11] Because I'm the adult now. [00:10:13] I am not a teenager with my mom making strict rules.
Embracing Adult Autonomy and Regulation
[00:10:18] So if I am rebelling, what's that about? [00:10:21] What am I rebelling against? [00:10:24] So this feeling of having no choice and feeling stuck and feeling trapped is really left over from as a kid. [00:10:31] A lot of times we didn't have a choice. [00:10:32] So when you could push back, you would. [00:10:35] But the thing is, we have to come to the adult realization. [00:10:41] A really important element of regulation work is landing in the truth that you are now the adult. [00:10:49] There is nothing to rebel against because you are the one that is leading the show. [00:10:55] You are not a kid waiting to be told what to do or stuck doing, you know, what you don't want to. [00:11:01] You are not a child with a bedtime.
[00:11:04] You are both kind of the parent and the child now. [00:11:07] You get to set what you want to do and you get to decide to listen to it or not. [00:11:13] So this will require some real self talk and starting to think differently. [00:11:19] And part of that's gonna go, wait, I'm the adult, what do I want here? [00:11:24] So at bedtime, just imagine you're laying there, you're stuck on the couch, you're watching TV and you're thinking, oh God, I was working so hard all day. [00:11:33] I do everything for everybody else and this is me time. [00:11:37] Oh, I'm rebelling. [00:11:41] But wait, I'm the girl. [00:11:43] I get to stay up as late as I want, I go to bed when I want, I do what I want.
[00:11:48] So what do I actually want? [00:11:51] What's really interesting is when you start thinking about that, you may find, oh, I actually really would like to go to sleep. [00:11:59] I don't want to feel this exhausted tomorrow. [00:12:02] Right. [00:12:02] Sleep actually really serves me well. [00:12:04] And as someone who I really believe I could get 10 hours of sleep a night and feel great, I get eight for sure. [00:12:11] I can do nine and I, you know, I relish with 10. [00:12:14] So I get it. [00:12:15] Having that sleep can feel so good.
[00:12:17] But then if part of us is rebelling against something that's not there, we're getting ourselves in a pickle not having enough sleep. [00:12:25] Then we're feeling more dysregulated. [00:12:27] So then we have more of this rebellious attitudes, and then we stay up even later and round and round it goes. [00:12:34] So one really connecting with, oh, there is nothing to push against anymore. [00:12:41] I'll give some other examples because sometimes hearing about it in a different context can make it more clear. [00:12:46] So I am going to talk about food and binge eating. [00:12:48] If that's triggering to anyone, you can just skip a bit ahead, but it won't be in detail. [00:12:52] I used to be a real restrict binge eater, and because I was restricting, I set a lot of rules for myself.
[00:12:59] This is the way you should eat. [00:13:01] This is what you should do. [00:13:03] So there was a lot of rigidity. [00:13:05] So my system would swing to the other side and it would rebel. [00:13:09] So if I walked one step out of line, I'd get this kind of screw you attitude. [00:13:14] And that's like me and myself. [00:13:16] I'm the one making the rules here. [00:13:17] I'm a grownup.
[00:13:19] But I would get this rebellious screw you and push against the rules and then go way far the other way in binge eat. [00:13:27] When I was working on recovering my relationship with food, the first thing to go was the rigidity was the rules. [00:13:34] Take the fence down and you're going to stop pushing against the fence because there's nothing to push against. [00:13:38] And then you realize, oh, here I am with a, you know, a wide open meadow. [00:13:44] What do I do now? [00:13:45] And then you get to figure out, well, what works for me and what was so cool is instead of either living in this tiny fenced area and then breaking free and then go putting myself back in the tiny fenced area, I just lived in the field. [00:13:59] And then you have more freedom and you find, wow, I'm not rebelling because there's nothing to rebel against. [00:14:05] This is what we want to tap into as adults with life in general and realizing, oh, when I'm not so rigid with myself, I'm also then not rebelling against myself. [00:14:17] And this creates more flexibility.
The "No Choice" Trap and Radical Reframing
[00:14:20] So I know right now you might be thinking, yeah, but I do have no choice. [00:14:25] I have to go to work and I have to take care of my kids and I have to take care of my house and I have to take care of my mom and I have to. [00:14:33] Right? [00:14:33] So we feel that rebellion. [00:14:34] Cause it's like I'm getting trapped in here. [00:14:36] There's all these things I have to do. [00:14:38] I'm in this little box and I want to break free. [00:14:42] Now what I'm going to say next is going to be troublesome for some. [00:14:45] They're not going to like is a little bit radical.
[00:14:49] But I find this way of thinking to be so helpful. [00:14:51] And this is really just a thought exercise. [00:14:54] I'm not saying this is the way everything is, but just, just stick with me for a minute and see if this lands for you. [00:15:01] We want to walk through this thing of like, well, I have no choice. [00:15:04] I have to. [00:15:05] Because you're the adult now, right? [00:15:08] So we want to see. [00:15:08] Was that true? [00:15:10] So someone will say, you know, well, I have to go to work. [00:15:14] Do you? [00:15:15] No, you don't.
[00:15:16] But then they'll say, yeah, well, but then I won't get paid. [00:15:20] Well, yeah, but you don't have to go to work. [00:15:23] It's like, well, I want to get paid. [00:15:25] So are you saying you want to go to work? [00:15:27] Right. [00:15:28] So, yes. [00:15:29] Maybe you don't want to do the thing on the front end, but if you want the outcome from that, that's a choice you're making. [00:15:35] And I know when my kids were really little, I used this with them because I was a very resentful new parent. [00:15:42] I did not thrive at it.
[00:15:43] I really, really struggled. [00:15:45] That was the peak of my fight or flight existence. [00:15:48] Undiagnosed ADHD newborn. [00:15:51] After being an entrepreneur where my time was on my own, it was a big, big shift. [00:15:56] So I was feeling very resentful, very trapped, very. [00:16:00] I have to do this and I have to do that. [00:16:01] And so I had to start thinking, okay, don't take care of the baby then. [00:16:05] Guys, don't.
[00:16:07] You don't have to worry. [00:16:08] My kids are older now. [00:16:09] We made it through. [00:16:10] But it's like, okay, don't feed the baby then. [00:16:13] It's amazing when you take the fence down how you. [00:16:16] Ugh. [00:16:16] But I want to. [00:16:17] Oh, fine.
[00:16:19] You realize it's kind of a false have to. [00:16:23] No, I don't have to. [00:16:24] But in the end, I actually want to. [00:16:27] As big of a struggle as I'm in, as much as I'm resentful of this, at the end of the day, this is a choice, and I actually do want to be here, no matter how hard it is. [00:16:36] Right. [00:16:36] I'm making that choice. [00:16:39] That's radical, obviously. [00:16:42] But it's true.
[00:16:44] It's true with taking care of your kids. [00:16:45] It's true with taking care of parents. [00:16:47] You don't have to. [00:16:49] Well, I do because I have no other siblings. [00:16:51] Well, no, you don't. [00:16:52] But then maybe they're going somewhere that you wouldn't be happy with. [00:16:56] So you're choosing to do it again. [00:17:00] This is a thought experiment.
The Power of Choice and Reducing Resentment
[00:17:01] I'm not saying things aren't fair. [00:17:03] I'm not saying that you would actually drop any of these things, but, my gosh, it helps with realizing, oh, I'm a bit more in control of my life than I thought. [00:17:13] I have a little bit more power than it's been feeling like I have. [00:17:18] And when you realize, wow, I choose to go to work. [00:17:21] I choose to take care of my kids, I choose to clean my house so I have a nice space. [00:17:25] It's much more empowering. [00:17:27] It gets you out of the rebellious push back phase. [00:17:31] It gets you out of dysregulation.
[00:17:34] Because when you are resentful and feeling trapped, your nervous system is freaking out. [00:17:39] When you realize, yeah, life can be hard and I still choose this, it calms everything down. [00:17:45] It's going to allow you to have a better experience. [00:17:48] You're often gonna have the same result, right? [00:17:50] You're probably going to work anyways. [00:17:52] But now you feel less resentful of going to work. [00:17:54] You realize, oh, I actually choose to get up, get dressed and walk my feet to the car every single day to go to work. [00:18:02] This is my choice. [00:18:03] To be going here again doesn't make the workday a thrill all the time.
[00:18:07] But you're gonna feel a lot less exhausted because being resentful and being in that push, pushing against that fence is exhausting. [00:18:16] You may find you're less resentful so you can go to sleep earlier. [00:18:20] It's kind of what we're getting to here because you're not like, oh, everyone controls my day and I finally have time for me. [00:18:28] When you realize, oh, I actually choose everything in my day too. [00:18:33] And now I'm less rebellious. [00:18:36] But what's cool is when you get in this mentality of, oh, everything I do is I do because I want to. [00:18:43] You may find some of it's not true, right? [00:18:46] Just like the neighbor example of that resentment, you may find, no, wait, I actually don't want to help my neighbor this much. [00:18:54] We've gotten a bit of a pickle here where they expect it and it's happening all the time.
[00:19:00] If someone said, kid, don't help them, I would say, oh, great, okay, I need to regulate then a little bit and kind of have my response ready because I know how uncomfortable it's going to be, especially that first time. [00:19:12] But I want to live kind of more in my truth and honor my day and my time more. [00:19:19] So a lot of it's going to be the things that you have no choice. [00:19:23] It's like, okay, don't do it. [00:19:24] And you're going to realize, oh, I actually want to. [00:19:26] I want to go to work because I want to get paid. [00:19:27] I want to take care of my kids because I love them. [00:19:29] Even though it's hard.
[00:19:30] I want to take care of my home. [00:19:32] Cause I love my home. [00:19:33] Even though it feels kind of like a never ending chore that will come up. [00:19:37] But then also some things will come up of like, oh, I actually don't want to do that and I got to figure out a way to not do it. [00:19:45] And that may be. [00:19:46] I got to get over my people pleasing. [00:19:48] I got to get out of fight or flight. [00:19:50] I need to work on the dysregulation I have around this and why I keep saying yes to this co worker.
[00:19:55] Because how cool would that be if I didn't have to do this? [00:19:59] Ooh, then I would feel less resentful. [00:20:01] Right? [00:20:01] All of this is to build up to you after your day sitting down on the couch going, yeah, that was my day. [00:20:10] Right. [00:20:10] Instead of that resentment and that frustration. [00:20:15] This is interesting. [00:20:16] It's probably not what you expected when we were talking about revenge bedtime procrastination, but this is the big stuff. [00:20:21] This is the how do I heal and change so that I'm no longer getting stuck in these cycles? [00:20:26] Instead of thinking that's just a symptom of ADHD and I have to try to figure out at bedtime how to hack the system so I go to bed earlier. [00:20:36] No, let's rewire how you function in general and then these things won't happen as much.
Internal and Practical Solutions for Revenge Bedtime Procrastination
[00:20:46] It absolutely is going to come into play that after, you know, a busy dysregulated day where you're resentful of it, there is that perfect storm where you're exhausted, you're dysregulated, and then you have like, oh, well, to go to bed, I have to get up, I have to go change, I have to go wash my face, I have to go brush my hair, I have to go brush my teeth. [00:21:06] Ugh. [00:21:07] So I'm so exhausting. [00:21:08] So I get. [00:21:09] There's really real pieces of that. [00:21:11] But there are two areas of solution. [00:21:13] So the one is what I've talked about mostly here, which is that internal work, this is the real work. [00:21:18] This is going to be the thing that gets you out of revenge bedtime procrastination.
[00:21:22] I will say I do not have that anymore. [00:21:25] I will at times, if I'm watching an amazing show or reading an amazing book, will choose consciously. [00:21:32] I'm going to stay up and watch this because this is so damn good. [00:21:34] And I realize I'm going to be tired tomorrow, but there's peace around it. [00:21:38] Right? [00:21:38] Again, that is not the problem. [00:21:40] You as a grown ass adult choosing to stay up late is not the problem. [00:21:45] You being stuck in a rigid routine of rebelling against the dysregulation that was in your day, not so nice. [00:21:56] We wanna regulate more during the day.
[00:21:58] That's really the root fix. [00:22:00] And when the day feels less like something to survive. [00:22:03] You won't be so desperate to hoard that time at night. [00:22:07] We wanna work on owning our own choices, realizing, oh, my life is mine, yes, a lot of my responsibilities, in the end I am choosing them. [00:22:15] Could I have more peace around that and work on saying no to the things I actually don't want to do? [00:22:22] That is regulation work right there. [00:22:24] So notice that resentment as data. [00:22:26] This is just information. [00:22:27] It means something's out of alignment.
[00:22:29] It means I'm not answering or doing things in the way that I would choose if I was more regulated and going from there. [00:22:38] All right, now the practical piece. [00:22:41] A lot of times when I talk to people when they're having trouble getting into bed is it's midnight, they still have their clothes on, they still have their makeup on, they haven't showered or they haven't brushed their teeth, they haven't gotten ready at all, they haven't taken their contacts out. [00:22:54] So the steps between them in bed at like one in the morning, it's such a slog and you delay, delay, delay. [00:23:03] So I do highly recommend try to change your routine and see if it helps. [00:23:08] So of course do the internal work. [00:23:09] But then to support yourself, can you get ready for bed early in the evening? [00:23:13] Not at bedtime. [00:23:15] So what I do is I get my kids ready for bed so they get their own pajamas on, I brush their teeth.
[00:23:21] Usually they have some room time, as we call it. [00:23:25] They're just hanging out in their rooms. [00:23:27] And then when they're hanging out in their rooms, before I tuck them in, I go to my bathroom, I wash my face, brush my hair, brush my teeth, get my pajamas on so I'm ready for bed as well. [00:23:36] This is usually like 8 or 8:30. [00:23:38] And then I go tuck them in and then I'm already ready for bed. [00:23:42] And then even another step is I actually lay in bed and watch TV on my laptop or read a book or do whatever I'm gonna do in my bed. [00:23:54] So I'm usually by 9 o'clock, I'm already in bed, I'm already ready for sleep. [00:23:58] I mean I go to sleep between like 10 and 11, usually 11:30 if I have got a really good show going on.
[00:24:06] And man, is it easy. [00:24:08] Close the laptop, put the book down, like lay down, I'm already in bed, I'm already ready. [00:24:13] There's no barrier between me and sleep. [00:24:15] So that is something you want to consider if the steps of getting ready is something that's hindering you going to sleep. [00:24:21] And of course it doesn't have to be that extreme. [00:24:22] Maybe you just, you know, wash your face and get your pajamas on earlier in the night, but you're still, you know, watching TV in the living room and you go up to bed when you're ready to sleep, but way less steps, right? [00:24:34] Don't leave all these steps to when you're the most tired. [00:24:36] That is not going to help. [00:24:39] I've also worked with clients who, you know, oh, before I go to bed, I like to shower.
[00:24:43] But then, you know, at 10 o'clock it seems like a lot of work. [00:24:46] It's like, what shower when you get home from work, if you can, you know, 5:30, have your shower be ready. [00:24:53] Now, a lot less friction between you and getting in that bed and going to sleep. [00:24:58] So that is something you can observe. [00:25:00] You can also look at. [00:25:02] Are you resistant to the actual laying down and going to sleep or are you just resistant to all the steps it takes to get you there? [00:25:09] So obviously, if it's the steps, let's get rid of those steps or put them earlier into the evening. [00:25:14] If it's the actual laying down, I will say this is one thing that I have not kicked yet and that is I fall asleep while listening to a podcast every night. [00:25:25] I was actually me and my husband were laughing the other night.
[00:25:29] He puts his podcast on. [00:25:31] He doesn't use headphones, so he just like plays it out of his phone. [00:25:34] He had a big eye mask on. [00:25:36] I had like this hair cap on and a big eye mask. [00:25:40] And then I had my podcast in my ears with headphones. [00:25:42] We were giving each other kiss goodnight. [00:25:44] I'm like, wow, what a gong show. [00:25:46] There's so much stuff going on.
[00:25:48] But like, sometimes we need things to support us. [00:25:51] I cannot just lay down in silence and expect to go to sleep. [00:25:54] It is just not going to happen. [00:25:56] So I'll put a podcast on. [00:25:57] It could be literally anything because within it feels like two minutes, I can't even track what's happening because I am starting to drift. [00:26:04] But it's just that, you know, reducing the friction of laying down and closing your eyes and that's what works for me. [00:26:11] It is something I would like to not be so reliant on. [00:26:15] But that is a job for another day.
[00:26:17] I've worked on so much with myself. [00:26:19] I would say that is the one kind of compulsive behavior I still have where it's really hard for me not to do that. [00:26:25] It would be very, very challenging and very painful to just lay down in the silence. [00:26:31] It could be something I work on one day. [00:26:33] But if you have a thing or two like that, pick your battles. [00:26:37] Right, first let's get you to bed at a reasonable hour so you're not so exhausted and stuck in the cycle of dysregulation. [00:26:43] Cuz sleep is regulating, right? [00:26:44] So the more tired you are, the more dysregulated you are, the more resentful you feel, the more exhausted you feel, the later you go to sleep. [00:26:50] Round around we go.
Final Thoughts and Takeaways
[00:26:53] So please remember, revenge bedtime procrastination isn't a willpower problem. [00:26:58] It's not even a screen problem. [00:27:00] I mean, scrolling is not going to help particularly, but it's not the core of it. [00:27:05] It's your nervous system finally exhaling and not wanting to, you know, let go of this. [00:27:12] Finally time for myself. [00:27:15] So really work on the daytime. [00:27:16] Get that resentment down. [00:27:18] Practice that radical thinking of hey, I'm the adult, I do what I want, so can I own that I'm doing the things I want and feel less stuck and like I'm trapped? [00:27:29] That in itself is going to soften the evening and then add in those practical changes of not waiting till right before you go to sleep to do anything.
[00:27:39] Be completely ready for sleep well before you're going to go to sleep I think is a great change in routine that can really, really help. [00:27:47] So if you are working on your regulation, of course we have the free ADHD regulation guide you can grab if you haven't gotten that yet, that's in the show notes. [00:27:56] And if you're a therapist, counselor, coach, occupational therapist, and you want to do this regulation work with clients, be sure to get on the wait list. [00:28:06] I am launching a certification for the ADHD regulation method in September so that is available to you as well in the show notes. [00:28:12] Thank you so much for being here. [00:28:15] Please send this episode to an ADHDer who you know is staying up too late and who would like to work on getting to bed at a more reasonable hour. [00:28:23] Thank you so much for being here and we'll see you next week.