How to Stop the ADHD Comparison Cycle for Good
You opened the app to check one thing and ended up scrolling. Now someone else's life looks effortless. Their business is taking off, they seem calm and pulled together, and you're sitting there feeling like you're somehow doing all of this wrong. By the time you put the phone down, that quiet panic has set in, and everyone else seems to have figured out something you missed.
Nothing is wrong with you, but your nervous system might be turning a very normal habit into something that quietly runs your life.
Jenna gets into all of it here. Why we compare, what's really happening in your brain when you can't stop measuring yourself against everyone around you, and why this isn't a willpower failure but a primal survival response you can learn to work with.
ADHD comparison feels personal, but it starts somewhere much older than you. Your brain is wired to scan the group for who has more status, skills, and resources because, for our ancestors, having the least meant being left behind, and that was genuinely dangerous. So your brain keeps comparing, keeps finding the gap between you and them, and keeps you feeling like you're not enough. When you're in ADHD fight or flight, that scan runs constantly. The more you compare, the more dysregulated you get, and the less access you have to the executive function you actually need to feel okay.
Here's what we cover:
What's really driving ADHD comparison, and why your brain treats someone else's life as a threat to your survival
How the ADHD fight or flight response turns comparison into a constant background scan for who has more
Why comparison runs as a negative motivator, and how urgency, guilt, shame, and fear create ADHD motivation problems that push you hard and then leave you flat
The dysregulation cycle of going hard and then collapsing, and why it feels like one step forward and two steps back
How the selective focus blind spot has you comparing your behind-the-scenes reality to everyone else's highlight reel
Why comparing yourself to others on social media feeds ADHD, low self-esteem, jealousy, and even more dysregulation
The radical reframe that someone else's life, whether they have everything or nothing, affects your reality zero
Practical, regulation-based ways to stop comparing yourself with others, come back to your own life, and tell the difference between a real problem and comparison pain
If comparison has been quietly running your days and you've been wondering how to stop feeling inadequate every time you look around, this episode will reframe what's actually happening and give you somewhere real to start.
"Comparison is the thief of joy, and it's also a survival mechanism your brain runs to keep you safe in the group. When you can come back to your own life, on its own, in its own little bubble, that panic starts to lift. That's where the real work happens."
If you're working on ADHD nervous system dysregulation, grab Jenna's free guide, The ADHD Regulation Guide.
Or if you have a therapist, coach, or anyone supporting you on your ADHD journey, mention the ADHD Regulation Method to them. Ask if they've heard of it, and feel free to send them to the podcast or to jennafree.com. This work goes so much deeper when the people helping you are building from the same foundation, and then you get to do it together.
And if you're a therapist, counselor, coach, or occupational therapist who wants to bring this work to your clients, get on the waitlist for Jenna's ADHD Regulation Method certification, launching in September.
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More about ADHD with Jenna Free
ADHD with Jenna Free is a podcast for adults with ADHD who are done surviving their symptoms and ready to start thriving with ADHD without the endless tips, hacks, and workarounds that have never really fixed anything.
Hosted by Jenna Free, a Canadian Certified Counselor (CCC) and ADHD therapist, this show exists to give you a completely different way of understanding ADHD in adults and the signs of ADHD in women. Because the reason you're stuck, overwhelmed, and exhausted isn't a lack of willpower, it's that your brain is running in fight or flight. And once you understand that, everything changes.
This podcast covers the full experience of living with adult ADHD: the real science behind procrastination in ADHD and ADHD task paralysis, ADHD executive functioning strategies that work, why ADHD and perimenopause collide in ways no one talks about, and the honest, solution-focused conversations that most ADHD podcasts aren't having. Jenna also shares her own story, what it looks like to go from chronically dysregulated to genuinely thriving, so you can see that this is possible for you.
This show gives women with ADHD, and anyone who has ever wondered whether ADHD can be diagnosed in adulthood, a path forward that isn't about coping harder, but healing.
I’ll answer questions like:
Do I have ADHD?
What is ADHD task paralysis, and how do I get unstuck?
Why is my ADHD getting worse in my 40s?
What does ADHD and perimenopause do to your brain?
How do I manage ADHD emotional dysregulation without medication alone?
Why do I procrastinate so much with ADHD?
Why don't ADHD tips and tricks ever work long-term?
What does it look like to thrive with ADHD
Can you heal ADHD symptoms without just white-knuckling through life?
What does nervous system regulation have to do with ADHD?
How do I stop feeling overwhelmed with ADHD?
If you're an adult with ADHD who's tired of the commiseration and ready for a show that believes your life can look completely different, you're in the right place.
The unedited transcript for this episode of ADHD with Jenna
Why Do We Compare?
[00:00:32] Why is it here?[00:00:33] What is its use? [00:00:34] And what can we do to make it better? [00:00:37] So before we dive in, I want to check in with you. [00:00:39] How are you feeling your shoulders up to your ears? [00:00:44] Are you running around? [00:00:46] Are you feeling frantic right now? [00:00:48] Take a deep breath, Slow down.
[00:00:51] You are safe.
The ADHD Regulation Method
[00:00:52] That's your little regulation check in. [00:00:56] All right, before we dive in, I do want to share that. [00:00:58] If you have a therapist that you see or a coach or anyone who's supporting you in your ADHD journey and you are interested in working in the ADHD regulation method, mention it to them. [00:01:12] Ask if they've heard about it. [00:01:13] Refer them to this podcast or my website, jennifer.com because my focus this year is training other therapists and coaches, occupational[00:01:22] therapists, anyone who helps ADHDers. [00:01:25] In this work, it is paramount. [00:01:27] We need this foundation. [00:01:29] So let your therapist or coach know about this because this might be something they want to add to their toolbox, and then you get the benefit and can work on this with them.
The Science Behind Comparison
[00:01:38] All right, so let's dive in. [00:01:40] Why do we compare? [00:01:42] I've looked online to see what people are saying about the reason we compare.[00:01:47] So first and foremost, which I knew was going to come up, is social evaluation. [00:01:51] It's called social comparison theory. [00:01:54] So in 1954, psychologist Leon Festinger established that humans cannot easily define their abilities or opinions in a vacuum. [00:02:03] We look to peers to measure where we stand, what is possible, and who we are. [00:02:09] And the most interesting part is the evolutionary wiring that comes into play. [00:02:14] So for our ancient ancestors, monitoring the status, skills, and resources of others and where we stand was vital to survival and group cooperation. [00:02:25] So this, of course, is the part I want to talk about most, because if you have adhd, whether you've been following along or if this is your first episode, the most powerful thing you can do is start seeing yourself for what you are, which is a primal being. [00:02:42] We are just scared little animals trying to feel safe.
[00:02:45] That's why our brain does what it does. [00:02:48] That's why we react the way we do. [00:02:50] That is why, honestly, a lot of our issues come from this fact that
[00:02:55] we are a primal being, honestly, a primal animal living in a very modern world where Us humans assume we're so evolved, we're so complicated. [00:03:06] It's really quite simple when it comes
Safety and Survival Instincts
[00:03:08] down to it, and that is safety, survival, and the fact that we are primal. [00:03:14] So that being said, what does comparison do for us? [00:03:18] Well, primally, historically, if you have the least status, the least skills, the least resources, you are at risk of being kicked out of the group. [00:03:28] And historically, that's deadly, right? [00:03:31] So you're always going to be hypervigilant, comparing, contrasting, where do I fit in? [00:03:37] Am I safe? [00:03:37] Am I okay? [00:03:39] And often it's going to lean towards just seeing what you don't have. [00:03:44] Right. [00:03:44] It's very rare. [00:03:45] You look around and compare and go, oh, you know what? [00:03:48] I'm actually doing quite well in life. [00:03:51] Great. [00:03:51] I'm in the middle of the pack.[00:03:53] I feel content. [00:03:54] Almost never, it is always scanning for who has more, who is quote unquote
[00:04:00] better, who has more status, who has
[00:04:02] more resources, and then panicking about that
[00:04:05] difference between you and them. [00:04:07] Right? [00:04:07] What am I lacking? [00:04:08] That's what the brain is scanning for when it is in survival mode.
Negative Motivation and ADHD
[00:04:13] So another reason our brain compares is, yes, to keep ourselves safe in the group, but also as a negative motivator. [00:04:21] So urgency is one of the four main motivators of dysregulation, of being in fight or flight. [00:04:28] And those are urgency, guilt, shame, and fear. [00:04:32] So as an ADHDer, these are probably your prime main motivators. [00:04:38] This is what gets me moving without this comparison, without always feeling like I'm not enough, I would never do anything. [00:04:45] So the brain thinks, hey, this is helpful. [00:04:47] Let's keep comparing. [00:04:48] Let's keep feeling inadequate.[00:04:50] Let's keep feeling like there's an urgency and we need to get going. [00:04:55] A lot of people will see that as a positive thing. [00:04:57] Hey, this motivates me. [00:04:59] But we really want to look at what type of motivation does what. [00:05:05] So negative motivation, which I would call like push motivation, meaning I'm running from something.
[00:05:12] Just like primally, I'm being chased by a bear. [00:05:14] So this is being chased by a bear. [00:05:16] Motivation is urgency, guilt, shame and fear. [00:05:19] They do make you move and they make you move fast. [00:05:22] So imagine primarily you are getting chased by a bear or okay, yes, I will sprint faster than I've ever run
[00:05:28] in my entire life or hide or do whatever, do something very intense, work very hard. [00:05:33] No matter how tired I am, it's going to push me forward. [00:05:36] But the moment I am out of harm's way, I collapse.
[00:05:40] So for ADHD years, how does that show up?
[00:05:42] Oh, when there's a deadline pressure, man.
[00:05:44] I can work hard. [00:05:45] The second that pressure is gone, I collapse.
[00:05:48] I have no sustained motivation. [00:05:51] I have no internal motivation. [00:05:53] I am only spurred on by fear and negative things that I'm trying to run away from. [00:05:58] That is not going to get you what you want in life. [00:06:01] That is not going to get you far in life. [00:06:03] It'll only ever lead you to getting out of harm's way. [00:06:07] No further. [00:06:08] So we do want to be aware because that is a trap we can get stuck in.
[00:06:12] Oh, this motivates me.
[00:06:14] That's good.
[00:06:15] Not all motivation is positive, not all
[00:06:18] motivation is sustained, and not all motivation gives us a great outcome. [00:06:24] Relying on these negative motivators are really going to keep you in the dysregulation cycle where you go hard and then you collapse. [00:06:31] Then you go hard and you collapse and there's no forward momentum. [00:06:35] It always feels like one step forward, two steps back. [00:06:38] So that is why our brains compare. [00:06:41] Is it helpful in our current situation?
The Downfalls of Comparison
[00:06:44] Typically not. [00:06:46] So of course we know comparison is unpleasant. [00:06:49] There's the very common saying, comparison is the thief of joy. [00:06:53] So we know it doesn't feel good. [00:06:55] We don't like it. [00:06:57] However, there are even more downfalls of it. [00:07:01] So we do have selective focus blind spot, which is we tend to compare our behind the scenes reality because, you know, all the ups and downs of your life to other people's curated or external appearances of others with the highly curated external appearances of others.[00:07:20] Of course, with social media this has been made much easier to do where, you know, we're comparing our real life, deep, dark secrets with someone else's highlight reel.
[00:07:31] We know that, but as I mentioned, that brain will always look at the people who have it so much, quote unquote, better than you, and you will fixate on that. [00:07:42] And I know I can get caught up in this for sure because recently, you know, I've been a bit of a more effortful stage of my entrepreneurial journey. [00:07:51] Things aren't flowing quite as easy as they were last year. [00:07:55] That's the ups and downs of owning your own business and that's fine. [00:07:58] But I saw someone on social media who's like, oh my gosh, look how easy it's been. [00:08:03] I just post and I get so many signups and everything's so easy and their posts are going really far and wide and it just, it's so simple and carefree and right now I'm feeling like I'm in a bit more of
[00:08:15] a slog with content and just in a rut A little bit. [00:08:19] And so my brain fixated on that
[00:08:23] person, like, oh my gosh, why did
[00:08:24] they make it seem so easy? [00:08:26] And this and this and that. [00:08:27] But of course I'll see other people who maybe are at the very beginning of their entrepreneurial journey and struggling even get started.
[00:08:34] I, but I brush right by that.
[00:08:36] Right. [00:08:36] The brain is so good at picking and choosing what it wants to focus on. [00:08:41] And it's typically picking and choosing things that make us feel worse, that increase our push motivators, that increase our negative motivators. [00:08:50] And it's never gonna pick things that make you feel good or make you feel calm or make you feel okay. [00:08:55] That is just the mechanism of a dysregulated brain.
[00:08:58] And with that is it's gonna create low self esteem.
[00:09:02] We're excessively measuring our worth against others and this results in jealousy and inadequacy and anxiety and more dysregulation. [00:09:10] And we know the more dysregulated we are, the less executive functioning we have, access to, the more ADHD symptoms. [00:09:20] And that is what we want to be aware of, is how detrimental this fight or flight state is.
Rethinking Comparison
[00:09:27] So when we talk about comparison, the advice or what I see a lot of is, hey, people on social media, it's just a highlight reel. [00:09:36] They're probably actually struggling. [00:09:38] Oh, they're doing a bunch of things that cost money. [00:09:40] They probably don't really have that money. [00:09:41] They're probably in debt. [00:09:43] It's this weird approach of like, let's bring others down and assume other people are struggling so you can feel better about yourself. [00:09:51] That's still a reliance on comparison. [00:09:54] What we want to do is, is go a little bit more radical, push it a step further and go, even if that person has all the money in the world, they're happy as a clam.[00:10:05] They found the perfect partner. [00:10:07] They're doing all these fun activities. [00:10:10] Even if that's true, has nothing to do with you, that affects your life and your reality. [00:10:15] Zero. [00:10:16] Whether they have that or they are completely destitute, that affects you. [00:10:21] Zero. [00:10:22] That does not change anything in reality. [00:10:24] And we want to start looking at that and going, oh, am I anxious? [00:10:31] Am I dysregulated about something in reality? [00:10:35] Or am I focused on the ideas of comparison? [00:10:40] And that's where my pain is coming from.
Detaching from Comparison for Emotional Regulation
[00:10:43] So instead of trying to put others down and make yourself feel better, let's try to detach from comparison to have us calm our nervous system. [00:10:51] So when you're feeling inadequate or feeling these negative motivators of urgency, guilt, shame, and fear coming up. [00:10:57] Just observe. [00:10:58] Am I feeling this based on reality and my life alone, like in its own bubble, and I had no idea what anyone else was doing. [00:11:08] How would I feel about it? [00:11:09] Or is my pain, anguish, dysregulation coming from. [00:11:13] In one hand, I have what they have. [00:11:16] On the other hand, I'm seeing what I have. [00:11:17] And it is this mismatch, this gap in between the two that's causing me pain, not the reality of what I have Now.[00:11:25] I am not saying the reality is never hard. [00:11:29] Sometimes it's a real challenge with something really going on. [00:11:32] That even when we just focus on our lives, we would prefer it not to be that way, or we don't like it, that is fine. [00:11:39] But then that's something we can actually work on that's relevant to you. [00:11:44] So say you have a job that you really do not like, it does not pay you well, you find the work a real slog. [00:11:51] This genuinely standalone, you and your job, you are not happy with it. [00:11:56] Okay, but that's relevant to you and we can do something about that. [00:12:00] Then we can calmly and in a regulated way work towards change.
[00:12:06] What is the first thing I need to do? [00:12:08] Oh, see what else I can apply for. [00:12:10] Right? [00:12:11] Whatever those steps would be. [00:12:13] But if we strip all the comparison away and we go, you know, how's your life going? [00:12:20] You might go, oh, it's actually okay. [00:12:23] Even if it's neutral, that's great. [00:12:25] Compared to panicking that it's not good enough. [00:12:29] Oh, I'm actually pretty content where I live.
[00:12:33] It's me and my family.
[00:12:35] I love them, we're here, we're together. [00:12:39] Hey, it's actually okay. [00:12:41] And this is not about just accepting how it is and never growing or changing or improving your life. [00:12:46] This is about getting out of the panic that comparison brings and realizing that is none of my business. [00:12:54] That affects me. [00:12:55] Zero. [00:12:56] Their life does not affect me whatsoever. [00:12:59] What do I want to work on? [00:13:01] Where I have control over things and that is only ever going to happen, and that's only ever going to be possible, or once we are more grounded and present in our own lives.
Practical Steps to Reduce Comparison
[00:13:12] So let's talk about a few things you can do mentally to practice coming back to your own life. [00:13:19] Something that would be really helpful as a first step in the next week would be to observe when I feel discontent, when I feel behind, when I feel inadequate and like I need to change. [00:13:32] Is there someone else I have in mind?[00:13:34] If.
[00:13:34] Is there a comparison that's present? [00:13:37] I bet there almost always is. [00:13:39] I know for me There almost always is.
[00:13:43] When I am in my own little silo and focused on my own life, I am much more accepting of what is. [00:13:51] Even if I want to grow and change, I can be more present with
[00:13:54] where I'm at and go, okay, well
[00:13:55] what's the next step then? [00:13:56] Because I would like to improve this thing. [00:13:58] I'm much more actionable, I'm much more calm. [00:14:02] When I'm feeling like things are getting kicked up and I'm not feeling content and I'm feeling upset, almost always someone else has come into the picture mentally and I mean my brain is crazy. [00:14:14] Sometimes it'll be a celebrity and I'm
[00:14:16] like, oh, but look at their life. [00:14:17] And I'm like, girl, are you nuts? [00:14:20] What does that have to do with anything?
[00:14:22] So the comparisons that brain can really
[00:14:25] go wild or it might be a friend, it can be close by or can be far away, but comparison is always going to be damaging. [00:14:34] But I would love to see and come in my DMs share in the comments of the podcast. [00:14:39] Where does your discontent come from? [00:14:42] What percentage of the time is a comparison present?
[00:14:46] When you are feeling dysregulated, when you are feeling that urgency and panic that things aren't good enough and you have to change and you have to change immediately. [00:14:55] Really interested to hear because honestly for me I would say it's 99% of
[00:15:00] the time and that is a great thing to be aware of because now we can work on it. [00:15:05] Now we can practice grounding being more present, being able to see what others have and not be such a trigger. [00:15:12] That's something I'm always working on is I don't want to have to avoid, you know, certain people online or avoid certain things so it doesn't trigger me. [00:15:22] I want to be free to see what everyone's doing and to see everyone [00:15:27] thriving and not have that affect me negatively.
[00:15:31] I really want to celebrate everyone's accomplishments and everyone's amazing great life.
[00:15:36] I don't want it to make me feel smaller.
[00:15:39] And that's a journey, right? [00:15:41] So we never have to feel bad about that. [00:15:44] Oh, I can't just be happy for others.
[00:15:45] Look, this is very primal. [00:15:48] It is very normal and it is something we can always be working on improving for our own well being so that we aren't as triggered, so that we aren't needing to avoid people because we feel bad about our lives. [00:16:01] We can really be free to celebrate everyone and know that we are enough and if there's things we want to work on, we're free to work on them.
Final Thoughts and Moving Forward
[00:16:10] So as you move forward with your week, really observe that comparison. [00:16:15] Where is it? [00:16:16] How does it make you feel? [00:16:18] And honestly, the awareness that this is your brain trying to keep you safe primally so you don't get kicked out of the group, it kind of lessens the impact. [00:16:28] It's like, oh, that's not really relevant anymore. [00:16:32] I live a life that is not intertwined with my neighbor. [00:16:35] Whether they have more or less, it does not affect how safe I I am. [00:16:40] That in itself is going to start changing the way the brain works. [00:16:44] So if you are looking to get out of fight or flight at a bigger scale. [00:16:48] The past few episodes I've been talking about specific symptoms, small tweaks, but this really is like a big yarn ball[00:16:55] that we need to unravel as a whole. [00:16:59] We need to look at the big picture. [00:17:01] If you only ever focus on one symptom at a time, it won't snowball enough to make the whole thing unravel. [00:17:11] Way too many analogies there. [00:17:13] But the big picture work is what I do in ADHD groups and it's what I teach other therapists and coaches to do in the ADHD Regulation Method certification. [00:17:23] You can find both of those things in the link in the show notes and please share this episode with someone who who's been stuck in comparison and who's been having a hard time freeing themselves of that detrimental way of thinking. [00:17:38] We wanna help our friends and our ADHD community all be able to be content and present in our own lives and work and grow from there. [00:17:47] So thank you so much for being here and we'll see you next week.